Imbroglio? *Yes it's English*

So perplexed & complicated. I really don't know. =\


days pass with nothing worthwhile
i guess i've gotta wait for a little while
cigarettes and liquor are dull
excitement and pleasures, null
heart's unoccupied
love's emptied
neither am i broken
nor mistaken
crashing into an oblivion
turning in a deviant?
that's impossible
but anything's possible
this is just some dumb writings
with sweet nothings

xoxo

Awake

Yes i know it's 7 in the morning, the birds are chriping, the sun is rising, or well, the sun had rose, and... i'm still awake, it's not like i want to, i can't sleep, i dont know why, i try all sorts, like, playing some games in my phone and pet society in facebook, i still can't sleep, i even read some cooking books, and still... i can't sleep, i guess i'll just have to wait.

p.s. - this is insane! =O (what i've written sounds strange, but not, because i sleep at 4am and wakes up in the afternoon, but this is... just weird, it's morning already, sort of)

xoxo

Strange-ness?

Well, I thought that i could like, just type out what i'm thinking so, yeah it's what I'm doing right now. I'm liking this band called 'melody fall' which is not like an english/american band, i think it's italian or spanish, *oops* i don't understand what they're rocking about but the rhythm or something is really nice. Music eases the mind, i think. Does it really matter if I'm not hooked to anyone? I mean, i see my best friends hanging out with their bfs and like... i don't know, it's like they're telling me i should get a boyfriend or something, but just you know, no matter how hot or cool that person it, if i don't have that kinda feeling, it just doesn't work, unlike some. i mean flings are... okay, i mean it's a way to get to know someone better? i don't know but, it's like no matter how perfect someone is, their flaws reveals eventually, and you know, some... are just fucked ups. so... yeah, i guess i'm not the 'anything goes' kinda person, so it's no surprise i'm still single for like... 2 months? 3 months? i don't count the days, so...about that long.

Next thing, i have natural curls/wave, and it's like divulging/revealing, and you know what, since it's still the holidays, why not just bear with it and you know, do a little temporary curls with the iron rollers thingy or whatever its called, and just go with it, blend it in. rather than getting chemicalized *i don't think that word exist*.

I miss baking... More like i miss my oven, i need an oven! the old one is a bit retarded. i mean shall i call it half spoiled? anyways it's called "i don't want it no more". cause a shitty oven's gonna produce shitty stuff. so yeah... i want a new oven... i miss making cookies, cupcakes, and every other stuff...

p.s. - i'm gonna stop a while, relating the "Zombies & A Pair of Blue Eyes", cause what's the point writing when i'm reading another book? Wouldn't it be like stealing ideas? well no, but something like copying or somethin, anyways it will just spoil the whole thing. so yeah.

*closes webpage*

xoxo

Speechless

Let's see.. I'm bored, so I'm going to write down whatever... Umm..Let me see what i did this week... Hmm... I got a new phone!! yes i said it lots of times, though its cheap, it cute and i like it, and i dont care what others think =) umm.. next.. how should i say it... well, i befriended someone? is that the right word? i hope it is .. ummm.. yeah, and what else did i do... oh yes, i read this book called "grostesque" which means monster, and it's actually a japanese novel but they kind of translated it, so yay for me, that i can read it? i think. i'm just half way finished... oh yes, i think i need to improve on my social skills? and... i don't know... gahhh whatever. i'm just bored.. i'd probably get back to writing "Zombie & A Pair of Blue Eyes" in my other blog... It's kinda stupid, & has lots of grammar errors, but you know, it's not like anyone reads it, so it's ok =D *i guess*

xoxo

It's Scary.

It's almost december, and i've not done anything regarding the nyc stuff. It's rather scary... It's like hopes are vanishing, slowly. what should i do? i really don't know... For the pass few days, it was all about fun and stuff... No, that's just not the right path...I'm scared...

xoxo

Twilight & a nicely spent thurday

I got my new phone =P blue lg ks 360 . & i watched twilight with friends. bought a book in mph bookstore. um, had nandos for brunch, and "the ultimate" drink from coffee beans, & had thai dinner . umm.. can't stop listening to robert pattinson's song called 'lullaby'. its so , um, relaxing? =D

xoxo

Confused & Tired

There's no rents available in nyc that's suitable for me or appropriate.. At least as far as i've "researched"..

Gotta go to the dentist later.. And get a new phone i think and dvds.. gonna rot on movies.. i guess.. for a while.. and got 100 bucks added to my savings.. got it from my dad's friend for my upcoming birthday, and i've decided to just hang out with parents on my birthday... and im waiting for the right time to ask dad for the 13inch macbook.. if possible..

xoxo

I Don't Know

Today.. Kind of made me realize that if you try harder and harder (not in the kinky way though..*laughs*) you can achieve what you want, something like that, i mean if you go the right way, some sort, i give really confusing explanations. Well the thing is.. I wanted to watch the video, of alexander wang and him being the winner of some fashion fund thingy, something like that. I tried a few times, like hours ago, and it couldn't work, i tried again and again just now, and it managed to work, and yeah i got to watch it, it's so cool, i mean, it's like magic, i was about to give up trying to make it work, the video just played, and i was like , awesome!

Oh gawsh, i've to go to the dentist tomorrow.. Damn, it's scary, thrilling, i don't know. But still, i've to go.. I think.. Cause i've got this one little, or not so little i don't know , cavity. I wouldn't wanna lose my tooth, so yeah..though like, honestly and seriously it freaks me out, like those little needles + screws mutated shit , like a whole damn box/collection of them, placed in front of me, and the dentist using it on my pitiful tooth! and like the machines, the thingy, like the scary sounds, oohh.. it just scares me even just to think about it...

About the nyc thing.. i'm really confused, thinking that, me using up all my savings and more, and i don't know.. i really don't wanna give up on it, i mean i've set it as my objective and stuff.. the rental of rooms and stuff is also a problem.. i just don't know, well.. i'll think of it probably next week.. and yeah after my birthday, oh my, it's 4 days away..

I don't know what to do on my birthday.. It's pretty freaky.. I was thinking of movies then dinner at my place, but.. i don't know.. oh well.. probably i should just go to eat japanese food with family? like the traditional, kiddy way? i don't know!!.. =/ anyways nyc is more important than my 15th birthday i guess.. so gotta like think more of nyc rather than birthday celebration..

xoxo & confusions

Are Horoscopes True?

After years of following the horoscope thing, i think i should stop. I kind of wasted my day today because the horoscope thingy said that i should stay away from the "authorities" shit like that, and people who can control you, parents such, and you know, i actually had a few conversations with my mom, and it was pretty okay. Like they said, never let the little things get it your way. =)

xoxo

So Sick & Tired

Why is it so hard...! Its making me wanna give up.. but no.. I'm not gonna give up. well, to be honest i like moderate challenges, just not that extreme!.. US dollars going up every minute, hour , day, why the fuck?!.. 0.1 might not appear as much difference but when it comes to like thousands of cash, it matters and differs a lot!!.. Got an option though, well its not like it'll help a lot.. but yeah, work part time illegally.. gawshhh.. i'd do anything for new york huh.. =/

xoxo

In the Phase of Depression

I'm fucking poor. I'm fucking broke, cashless, whatever you call it. Yes, it's true, and that's not helping me on getting what I need, well want, too. So.. i got so emotionally sick, i made this...


i need bling and money,
i don't need no honey,
it's all about the dope,
the base of gaining hope,
i want that stylish NYC,
with peeps covered with MAC,
but i aint got no cash,
and i aint want no pash,
i need those green paper,
so mate see ya later.


xoxo

Kids Don't Stand A Chance.

When i'm about to get what i want, i tend to throw it all away, which is pretty weird. Anyway, the thing is, after all the fucking loads of emails i sent, a super duper kind 23yr old lady replied and say that she'll reserve the room for me, but as I'm a really superfucking honest person, i sorta replied her, telling her my age and stuff, well, cause she was like telling me bout the deposit, documents, blah blah "as if i understand" official stuffs. i'm looking forward for a positive and exceptional answer from her, yeah. there's like only 50 % chance though, who would wanna rent a room to a stupidfucking 15 yr old? they usually go like.. "you're too young, oops." in an indirect manner. well.. fingers crossed.

xoxo

Frustration

It's so hard to find hostels, they won't accommodate anyone below the age of 18. How hateful, huh? I sent so much emails it still doesn't work out. Well... You know what? I'm just gonna try a little bit harder, and see if there's any light at the end of this black hole, trying is definitely no harm, but sometimes, it can be pretty much a waste of time..

xoxo

NYC on my mind

Let's see.. My mind's filled with nothing but Parson's, East Village, Alexander Wang, um.. and the need of cash, and the big apple aka NYC aka NEW YORK CITY. Nothing else seems to stay long enough in my mind currently, i mean besides all that I've mentioned. I haven't really got the cash, just almost like, half of it, but mom's kind of like sponsoring some, so that's kinda nice of her *surprisingly. When the time comes, I'm gonna ask dad to sponsor the airplane tickets, and hopefully part of the rental fees. AND THE FACT THAT THE US DOLLAR become some how more "valuable" as in the currency is like 1 US dollar : RM 3.6 . , makes me so frustrated! It's like, in a marathon, you see the finishing line!!!! and then!! some fag!! change the finishing line wayyyy.. further!!... BUT. I'm not gonna give up like this. I've set my goal, time to achieve it, whether my results turn up to be failure or success, the process of it makes it all worth while, but i personally, definitely wants SUCCESS, who doesn't want that? Nobody, so that makes my point.

P.S. - whatever "you" do won't make me suffer the state of being "emotionally broken down" or stuff like that, because I have objectives and that's all I will ever think of right now, so sorry if you tried to like.. make me feel shitty or stuff cause you definitely failed. =)

XOXO

New York I Love You !

I printed out the parsons thing catalog, couldn't wait for it to get mailed over , though that would be nicer, but what i need is the facts, though i think the original forms are included in the catalog that they are about to send over to my place, right at my doorsteps. Doing is the opposite of hoping/wishing, i contacted the person by email and they added my address in their mailing list. Now ,basically all I need is the cash, and i think visa or something like that. The campus housing is oh so fucking expensive! holyshit, if only i had a friend to accompany me to take this course thingy, then we could share the rental cost/fees and it'll be waaaayyy.. cheaper. i hate the fact that the campus housing has like.. these weird curfews.. ugghh.. anyway too much of imaginations, all i gotta do now is get a fucking job, so i could get some fucking dope, then i'll be able to go NY.

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life
Can't get no love without sacrifice
If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I'm wastin'
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

2 o'clock in the morning, something's on my mind
Can't get no rest; keep walkin' around
If I pretend that nothin' ever went wrong, I can get to my sleep
I can think that we just carried on

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I'm wastin'
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

A Little bit of love, little bit of love
Little bit of love, little bit of love [repeat]

I feel as if I'm wastin'
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
To live the rest of our life,
But not together.



( i find this song interesting , not sad-ish. )

MONEY CASH DIAMONDS GOLD whatever that cost a lot.

I wanna be in New York, even though if I could go right now, it will be totally pointless, I don't have cash, probably just the tickets. I need cash, money, whatever. Seriously, I'll do whatever to get them. Like.. seriously, anything. Alexander Wang's inspired me of going to New York. I'd admit i really want to meet him but my main objective is to experience the arts and whatever I can get, and of course the summer course, and the park which i kinda forget what park it is again , oops. IF is a pointless word, over using of IF s will get just bring me to no where, and yea, just sitting at home dreaming. I have to think of a job.. I'm just fucking fourteen, I wish people will not underestimate the matters of age, its just a number, no wait i shouldn't say people, i should say the country I'm living in now? giving teens no hopes or shall i say, nothing at all. no fucking summer jobs to fucking earn fucking dope. it's like, they don't fucking care, that is why there's crime, drug related shit, rape and all sorts, cause people here has fucking nothing to do, and that's relating to poor peeps like me, rich kids can hang around wasting themselves and cash all day long because they can! but poor kids are ignored? what the fuck? give us some jobs ! gosh. and your fucking part time jobs are like 4 bucks per hour for like.. 16 and above? what the fuck?? 4 fucking bucks only?? in ringgit??! at least the average in Singapore is like 6 Singaporean dollars per hour!!.. gosh.. and did i mention that you get 8 Aussie dollars in Aussie?? what the fuck ? four fucking ringgit??... That gives me more determination to go to NY, so yeah, thanks for your fucking treatments!..

p.s. - I'm just saying facts. "they" are not giving us peeps chances.

DREAMS. PLEASE become my REALITY.

I have an ambition. No, I have ambitions. Probably I'm too ambitious but that's just me, I guess. Examples, I want to take courses in Newyork, but, I guess my parents won't give me the permission and money. Most of the courses , the problems are either because of me being underage or either it being too overpriced. Yes, I'm not those rich kiddos. I'm just less than ordinary kid trying to live life in a more experiencing way, not just wasting the days away, or even wasting themselves at night. I guess, I'm plain boring, but probably I'm just different, just a little bit different . I want to accomplish things, because I feel useless. I want to experience things and not just seeing people experiencing them.

_______________________________________________________________

i.

http://www.parsons.edu/pre_enrollment/summer_ny.aspx

Yes. Like the url above, a summer course/program indeed. But you know what? I'm underage. I'll check back in next year and yeah, if im 15+ and im still not qualified, i'll check back in 2011, hopefully i'll still be available. & PARSONS? That's gotta be like.. One of my dream place to go right after college but if possible, high school.

_______________________________________________________________

ii. (to be continued)



*sighs. sighing for? being poor? being not beautiful? being kinda dumb? being loveless? being funless? well.. sighs for being useless actually.. i have to do something bout my life. teen age = boys & party? noway. its more than that, its way much more than that, and thats actually not it, the real thing is, time for planning. finding your way to your future career. and i believe mine has got something to do with art.. anyways.


xoxo

Im So Over That Phase

It's sickening bored stuck at home. Hopefully tomorrow wouldn't be bored,
as that isn't what i would expect, but i don't do predictions so, will see
then. Beach, friends, drinks, that goes my saturday then. My birthday's coming
and I'm not excited. I was few years back. Since recently i never been. I actually forget that my birthday was near until suelyn mentioned hers on facebook.
Birthday by the beach perhaps??.. I don't know really.. Ahh, gay, before my birthday, i've to go to the dentist again...

Spillage

Lady GaGa- Eh Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say) [music playing at the moment]

Okay I wasn't soooooo... honest. This is like the, surrender & i suck, i'm shit, im all that fuck version.


You're a loser, but you're stuck on my mind, which actually sucks & which makes me a bigger loser. Tearing my heart apart til veins and capillaries tangles up and froze in silence is probably you're main intention, and yeah! heck yeah you accomplished. you're probably the most unforgettable lad i've ever date, but though i you know, urm, you just know it ok, i *fill in the blanks* you, but i've never thought of ever dating you again, but whenever you date someone (usually when they're not that hot), i don't feel so good.. well WHATEVER, the word you hate most.

Forget Not Regret

it's time to forget
the one that i once adore
you've found your little pet
with all that petty fame (definitely not pretty fame)
i've known since the beginning
and this is not a game
so you're totally not winning
you're just plain lame now
wearing the pants doesn't make you cool
but neither a silly cow
though indeed an awkward fool
i'll admit i fell into that trap
of you sweet little talk
but what's behind are all crap
like the fictitious jack and the bean stalk (meaning fantasy)

- elizabeth bennet <3









Hah, it seems like my predictions were right all along. There was a bitch behind the scenes of your little sweet flirtatious words. That is so gay. I hate to be lied to! Fuck you bastard. Yes, i wished you could read this, but that'll be just odd. You tell your fucking friends that I make no sense to you ( & they helped you by presenting you a bitch [i didn't know people who do these shit are called friends] ) but you are fucking dense, you actually widget-fy me and your fucking little pet, & you tell me to make a decision to keep you or not, and when i gave you an answer between the lines, you deleted me from your little widgety screen. How fucking retarded is that?? And fuck yeah, I totally knew you had this kinda lame thing on your mind, which is one of my fucking intelligent reason to not ever, ever, hook up with you! Ewh! The thought of you totally make me sick! You're a cavity! I have my panadols (little shags that kills boredom!), now all I need is a toothbrush?? Whatever. You can fucking shag whoever you fucking want, cause honestly, I don't care at all! You're so fucking gay!! Ewwhhhhh!! Feelings are not for playing, if thats what you and your little brainless whores refer to! There's no good thing about you! Like, first of all you suck, second, you suck even more, third you're like a fucking asshole dipped into shit!! Or whatever! Ewwh! You make my eye sore when I look at you, and i get migranes when my brain thinks like, "oh em gee, its you!" !! My fucking point is that I really really FUCKING HATE YOU!! Urghh!! You totally, absolutely make me sick!! I am totally OUT OF WORDS!

FUCK YOU.

Thoughts of mine

you're a joke that's not funny
you're coffee that taste sour
you're panadols that expired
you're vodka that feels like water
you're sex that feels like anesthetic was taken

you're full of lies that blind some minds but mine ain't one of them
you're just a fucked up who's like ass but a whore magnet

yeah. you suck.

I FUCKING HATE YOU.

CLANDESTINE

Toothache

current music playlist ;)

- skye sweetnam - i don't really like you
- lady gaga - 'eh,eh' nothing else i can say
- miley cyrus - 7 things
- jonas brothers - lovebug
- hayden panettiere - your new girlfriend

("gahhh.. whatevers!")







you left me speechless*

xoxo

Imma back.

Back from KL a few hours ago.
Guess you already know that I rotted myself in KL last weekend.


LADY GAGA - i like it rough

Your love is nothing I can't fight
Can't sleep with the man
Who dims my shine

I'm in the bedroom with tissues and when-
I know you're outside banging but I won't let you in
'Cause it's a hard life, with love in the world
And now my hard girl lovin' is like chewing on pearls

You got me wondering why I
I like it rough, I-I like it rough, I-I like it rough
You got me wondering why I
I like it rough, I-I like it rough, I-I like it rough

Won't go without my fix tonight
It's a little too rough
Prom girl wipes her tears with silver lines
And she can't get enough

I'm in the bedroom with tissues and when-
I know you're outside banging but I won't let you in
'Cause it's a hard life, with love in the world
And now my hard girl lovin' is like straightening curls

You got me wondering why I
I like it rough, I-I like it rough, I-I like it rough
You got me wondering why I
I like it rough, I-I like it rough, I-I like it rough

Shiny and I know it
Don't know why you wanna blow it
Need a man who likes it rough
Likes it rough, likes it rough


Shiny and I know it
Don't know why you wanna blow it
Need a man who likes it rough
Likes it rough, likes it rough


Is it 'cause you don't mean it?
Or because I don't feel it?
Yes it's rough
Is it 'cause you don't mean it?
Or because I don't feel it?
Yes it's rough


You got me wondering why I
I like it rough, I-I like it rough, I-I like it rough
You got me wondering why I
I like it rough, I-I like it rough, I-I like it rough

You got me wondering why I
I like it rough, I-I like it rough, I-I like it rough
You got me wondering why I
I like it rough, I-I like it rough, I-I like it rough


Anyways..

that emofag didn't reply my email. what was that about??!
i was curious til' i suffered from disappointed.

p.s. - i still likey. so. imma gonna have to wait a lil while longer, if it doesn't works,then i guess it's gonna be change of plans. though, i dont plan on wasting my time trying, i'll see how it goes.

xoxo

Sudden Change.

This morning, I thought everything was okay until...

Dad came in my room and shut the airconditioner. I asked him nicely to turn it back on. He walked right out and totally ignored me. I screamed under my blanket and broke into tears. Because I got totally annoyed of him since yesterday. Mom came in and ask what's up, I told her I hate dad, he's not my dad. She went speechless for a moment, and she fucking sided him, she said that he's a bit not himself at the moment because he has some financial issues with some stuff. I can't believe even he fell into the world money crisis shit that everyone's talking about. Fuck all that, he fucking ruin my day, and upcoming days. & nevertheless, why the fuck does he get to go emo and make my day shitty??!

Little Somethings.

"If everything was everything but everything is overEverything could be everything if only we were olderGuess its just a silly song about youAnd how I lost youAnd your brown eyesIn ur brwn eyesI was feelin lowCause the brown eyesAnd you never knowGot some brown eyesBut a soft faceI knew that it was wrongSo baby..turn the record onPlay that song" Lady Gaga.


I'm left speechless and thoughtless,
Are you going to treat me like this,
I'm human and I felt the emptyness,
I'm not a mannequin not a tease,
Six a.m. the clock shows,
What are you doing,
Are you watching tv shows,
Or maybe sleeping peacefully snoring,
That's kinda cute,
But it's waste I can't see that,
I'm not really mute,
And I'm not all that,
I keep my feelings unsaid,
I keep them a secret,
The memories never did fade,
Though I lost the locket,
I stay awake thinking,
If you'd forgive what I did and not do,
But that's too much I have to say,
For I lost my rhyme in this.

a totally messed up writing.

Song playing now - Lady Gaga - Nothing else I can say



24 more days to my birthday. Hate it. I hate my birthday =( It's never been really good, then best was last year . 6th november's my dad's birthday, i don't know what he'd want =( and i'll totally cashless these days...

Okay, so the thing is, I sent a really long and complicated email to dude 97 . I'm not sure if what I did was right? But do I look like I care? Well yeah, I look like I fucking care. Well, now i'll have to wait...

LOVE OR LUST? LOVE OR LUST? LOVE OR LUST? LOVE OR LUST? LOVE OR LUST? LOVE OR LUST? LOVE OR LUST? LOVE OR LUST? LOVE OR LUST? LOVE OR LUST? LOVE OR LUST? LOVE OR LUST? LOVE OR LUST? LOVE OR LUST? LOVE OR LUST? LOVE OR LUST? LOVE OR LUST? LOVE OR LUST? LOVE OR LUST? LOVE OR LUST? LOVE OR LUST? LOVE OR LUST? !!!

Previously, lust . Addictive, absolutely. Now? I'm gonna have to give a little trust and a lotta love . Who else am I doing this for huh? I don't even know if it's worth it. I'd take a risk, even though it becomes a mistake, the part of picking up the broken pieces is worth an adventure.

P.S. - If you can't get what you want, never give up, at least mess a little with it.


xoxo . little bits.